Introduction

In classrooms across Australia, many children are navigating one of life’s most challenging transitions, the separation or divorce of their parents. With over 40% of Australian marriages ending in divorce – and half of these involving children [1] – this experience is not uncommon. In addition, children often experience other family relationship separations.

Divorce and separation can bring profound emotional upheaval for children. While many will adjust or adapt over time – usually within a year or two [2] or perhaps three [3] – some will continue to struggle, especially when there’s ongoing parental conflict. For children, the experience often involves a complex mix of losses such as the loss of family unity, daily routines, shared activities, extended family, friends, sometimes a family home, and a sense of security and belonging.

This ebooklet aims to assist teachers, psychologists and other professionals working with children who have parents who are separated or divorced. The ebooklet outlines practical strategies to assist teachers and others to help support children to manage and adjust to the changes that separation and divorce bring and lessen the emotional toll, and possible impact on behaviour and academic achievement, particularly for children exposed to continuing parental conflict.

Separation and children’s behavioural change

Some children from separated families may exhibit behaviour changes at school. Teachers typically notice changes in the academic performance and behaviour of children within days, but sometimes changes become obvious months or years after the separation or divorce of their parents. While some parents may be able to minimise the impact of the separation on their children, others may not. Negative effects may be noticeable even if the separation is amicable, or there is a sense of relief for the child following a period of conflict between the parents.

If parental conflict continues after separating, the child’s behaviour and academic achievement may deteriorate over time.

The separated parents of approximately 5 – 10 per cent of children [4] or perhaps more,[5] are unable to prioritise their child’s wellbeing to create a secure and supportive home life. For these children, their parents’ post-separation conflict and disruption can become an embedded pattern in their co-parenting behaviour. [6] Parental conflict in front of, or involving children, can have long-term negative implications for children’s wellbeing.[7] [8] [9] [10] [11]

Often both parents require self-help and/or counselling to manage their emotions. Support can be found from free post separation co-parenting online programs or agencies such as Relationships Australia[12] or Emerging Minds. [13] There are also suitably experienced community-based or qualified private psychologists who can support parents experiencing distress and/or conflict.

Schools, along with peer, community and sporting groups, have the potential to provide children with the continuity, structure, security and calm predictability lacking in some homes.

Children’s responses to separation and divorce

Children’s responses to separation and divorce can vary according to the level of parental cooperation, along with each parent’s ability to protect and shield their children from any conflict. The children’s ages, stage of development, feelings of belonging and safety, and their resilience will also impact their ability to navigate the changes.

Emotional and behavioural changes that may be evident in children following a divorce or separation include:

• Regression to earlier developmental stages or behaviours, for example, thumb sucking, toileting accidents, or heightened separation anxiety
• Strong emotional reactions such as shock, worry, anger, anxiety or depression
• Grief and loss due to reduced access to both parents. For example, children may go from technically having full-time access to both parents to splitting time between them 
• Difficulty coping with overnight stays away from the primary-care giver, particularly if parental conflict is high
• Fear of having to choose one parent over the other, or of upsetting either parent, particularly if parental conflict is high
• Deterioration in sibling and shared friends’ relationships, typically due to differences in interpretation of the family situation and attitudes to change
• Challenges expressing worries verbally, leading to acting-out behaviour, rule-breaking, sadness, increased clinginess, or becoming withdrawn
• Seeking reassurance or support from a trusted teacher or other person about conflicting loyalties felt towards parents
• Anger at the parent who has left the home, particularly if reasons for the departure are unclear or emotionally charged
• Struggles with new living arrangements for example, living with one parent for one week and the other parent the following week, or if one parent re-partners difficulty adjusting to living part-time with a new adult or in a blended family environment. Further problems may arise if the child does not feel respected or cared for by the new partner, or experiences difficulties supervising, or sharing spaces, belongings and activities particularly with the new partner’s children.
• Taking on adult roles in the family, becoming overly responsible and ‘adultified’. This behaviour may mask underlying anxiety or sadness. Helping family members may be a coping strategy for the child.

Teachers should be cautious about stereotyped expectations about how children from separated families might behave. Avoid inappropriate terms such as ‘broken home’ and making assumptions about the child’s experiences.

School staff should be careful not to take sides in parental conflict. In addition, be wary of accepting one parent’s requests for program or curriculum changes for their child without the other parent’s knowledge.

Some children who experience a difficult home life become more mature and compassionate and do very well at school with teacher support. Some may become ‘adultified’, more alert, and self-sacrificing. For a number of children there can be long-term negative implications for their mental health, wellbeing and academic achievement. [14] [15]

Unresolved parental conflict can be overt and highly intense, for example, parents arguing or yelling at each other. Conflict can also be covert, for example, a parent or parents directly involving the child in adult parenting issues or continual criticism of the other parent. Criticism and insults of the other parent – may lead to the child feeling that they are being criticised too – since children often see themselves as being half of their mum and half of their dad.[16] Put downs or bad-mouthing a parent can lead children to feel that there is something bad about them as well.[17] Both forms of conflict – overt or covert – can have serious long-term implications for children.[18]

Families that can’t sort out their differences may turn to the Federal Circuit and Family Court of Australia which, if safe to do so expects separated parents to first attempt to resolve parenting issues out of court, with a focus on the child’s best interests and needs, and not on perceived parental rights.

The most vulnerable times for children are during periods of parent conflict and at transition times. Key transition times include moving from preschool to primary school, primary to secondary school and around Years 8 and 9 as the child is moving into mid adolescence. These are periods when children might experience heightened anxiety about a range of everyday changes so reactions to separation and divorce can be more pronounced. For example, adolescence brings its own additional changes with the onset of puberty – biological, cognitive, psychosocial and emotional – as they begin to work out who they are and try to understand their relationships with others.

The introduction further provides information on feelings and behaviours children may exhibit, when and where to seek further assistance, other parenting arrangements and legal issues.

Strategies to support the child of divorced or separated parents

Helpful record keeping

• Know which children in your class or homeroom have divorced or separated parents. At the beginning of the year, list parents’ names, phone numbers, addresses, parenting arrangements and the existence of any court orders. Keep this list up-to-date. Ensure you know and use parents’ correct surnames. Using the incorrect surname or referring to divorced parents as ‘Mr. X and Mrs. X can lead to the child and parents feeling uncomfortable or upset.

ISBN 978-1-921908-52-1

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[1] Australian. Institute of Family Studies (2025) Divorces in Australia. https://aifs.gov.au/research/facts-and-figures/divorces-australia-2024

[2] Leon, K., and Spengler, L. (2005) Helping children adjust to divorce: a guide for teachers. Extension, University of Missouri. https://extension.missouri.edu/publications/gh6611

[3] Commonwealth of Australia, (2005) Me my kids and my Ex. Forming a workable relationship for the benefit of your children. Child Support Agency; Looking Glass Press (ill) https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d12b7af143b5e0001024c26/t/5d2ffd2ed82a7c00010e211f/1563426100915/Me%2C+My+Kids%2C+My+Ex.PDF

[4] O’Hara K.L., and Cohen, B.R., (2024) A call for early, effective and scalable parent education programs for high-conflict separated/ divorcing parents: A synthesized perspective from prevention science and family law. Family Court Review, 2024, 62, 160-175 https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/38495867/ The statistics cited in this journal article acknowledge Neff and Cooper (2004) and Schepard (2004) see references in the article.

[5] Laletas, S., and Khasin, (2021), Children of high conflict divorce: exploring the experiences of primary school teachers, Children and Youth Services Review, 127, August, 2021,1 – 12. The statistics cited in this article estimate that up to 25% of children experience high levels of conflict according to Coates et al., (2004), and Smyth and Moloney, (2017) see references in the article. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0190740921001511

[6] O’Hara K.L., and Cohen, B.R., (2024) A call for early, effective and scalable parent education programs for high-conflict separated/ divorcing parents: A synthesized perspective from prevention science and family law. Family Court Review, 2024, 62, 160-175 https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/38495867/

[7] Paterson, N., Price-Robertson, and Hervatin, M., Australian Institute of Family Studies. Emerging Minds. National Workforce Centre for Child Mental Health (2021) Working with separating parents to support children’s well-being: What can we learn from evidence-base programs? February. https://emergingminds-cdn.b-cdn.net/content/uploads/2023/06/29142437/Working-with-separating-parents-paper.pdf

[8] Relationships Australia, (2014) What about the children? https://www.relationships.org.au/wp-content/uploads/What-about-the-children.pdf

[9] O’Hara K.L., and Cohen, B.R., (2024) A call for early, effective and scalable parent education programs for high-conflict separated/ divorcing parents: A synthesized perspective from prevention science and family law. Family Court Review, 2024, 62, 160-175 https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/38495867/

[10] Ibid

[11] Laletas, S., and Khasin, (2021), Children of high conflict divorce: exploring the experiences of primary school teachers, Children and Youth Services Review, 127, August, 2021,1 – 12. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0190740921001511

[12] Relationships Australia, (2014) What about the children? https://www.relationships.org.au/wp-content/uploads/What-about-the-children.pdf

[13] Emerging Minds (2021) Working with separating parents to support children’s well-being: what can we learn from evidence- based programs? https://emergingminds-cdn.b-cdn.net/content/uploads/2023/06/29142437/Working-with-separating-parents-paper.pdf

[14] O’Hara K.L., and Cohen, B.R., (2024) A call for early, effective and scalable parent education programs for high-conflict separated/ divorcing parents: A synthesized perspective from prevention science and family law. Family Court Review, 2024, 62, 160-175 https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/38495867/ page 162

[15] Laletas, S., and Khasin, (2021), Children of high conflict divorce: exploring the experiences of primary school teachers, Children and Youth Services Review, 127, August, 2021,1 – 12. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0190740921001511

[16] Commonwealth of Australia, (2005) Me my kids and my Ex. Forming a workable relationship for the benefit of your children. Child Support Agency; Looking Glass Press (ill) https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d12b7af143b5e0001024c26/t/5d2ffd2ed82a7c00010e211f/1563426100915/Me%2C+My+Kids%2C+My+Ex.PDF

[17] ibid

[18] O’Hara K.L., and Cohen, B.R., (2024) A call for early, effective and scalable parent education programs for high-conflict separated/ divorcing parents: A synthesized perspective from prevention science and family law. Family Court Review, 2024, 62, 160-175 https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/38495867/ page 163